the four right chords can make me cry

How to spend a tiring weekend.

- Wake up at the very challenging hour of 7:30am on a saturday morning.
- Have breakfast with mum and peach.
- Arrive at LT8 for the Singapore Forum on Politics 2006: The (In)Significance of Political Elections in Singapore.
- Be awestruck and inspired by the academics, professional politicians, lawyers and journalists.
- Pig out at buffet spread.
- Bus down to Clementi and email something from serene's laptop.
- Bus down to Orchard in an attempt to hunt for Jerry's birthday present.
- Wobble across Orchard in heels and sustain blisters.
- Be nauseated by cutesy thingy overload in quest for donald duck stuff.
- Meet your Destined Indulgence, at 50% off!
- Buy Subway for self and bros.
- Totter home and across the field, almost fall down, how unglam.
- Collapse into bed after feeble attempt to "do work" after dinner.
- Wake up in the middle of the night, suddenly get allergic to air or something, unable to go back to sleep properly.
- Realise it's time for church.
- Be sleepy through message and switched off during class.
- Witness peach try to unbraid his hair with much pain. muahahaha.
- Lunch with valerie (please stop saying you're fat), jeremie, daniel and ben who seems bent on making me laugh up my lunch.
- Teach daniel music theory!
- Hear the very audible groan from behind the door when i ring the doorbell of tuition kid's house. Amused.
- Thank other tuition kid's mum who decided, seemingly on whim, to pay me extra this month. Thank you so much aunty!!!
- Ponder the education system that produced these tuition-needing kids as I sip on my second soya bean drink of the day.
- Walk home and request to be sent because I had no idea what bus to take to Holland V.
- Marvel at the level of testosterone at our dinner party when i first arrive, outnumbered by army guys.
- Be touched at the concerned his friends would show him.
- Have your Smile-when-you-don't-know-how-else-to-react ploy uncovered by Jerry's friend who found it "a little freaky".
- Take a little tour around guilt trip island when confronted with amount of schoolwork that needs to be done, but decided to blog anyway.
- I can't believe you just read all that boring, tedious narration that leads absolutely nowhere and wasted all your time! thanks, that's why I love you =)

I thought the forum was super-fantastic! But unfortunately, when i tried talking about it with my friends the response was that of indifference, with a slight tinge of "stop showing off". =( someone let me talk about it please, i just want gush.

Jerry, you like the most obscure things. Donald duck was incredibly hard to find! Millions and millions of different reincarnations of winnie the pooh, tigger, mickey mouse, et al, in every form, from chopsticks(?) to mousepads to coin purses to soft toys to alarm clocks to slippers to cushions. They had every other strange cartoon bird from badtz maru (which is, as i learnt, actually a penguin), pingu (another penguin), tweety bird, daffy duck (getting warmer!) and even that strange rooster from warner brothers whose name i do not know. but no donald duck. Being in that many cutesy shops, included the dreaded, terrifying "More Than Words", blasting incomprehensible cutesy music, was nearly enough to kill me. But it's ok, hope you like it =)

Destined Indulgence is a very good name for a shop. You might think i'm gulible, that they've managed to push all the right consumer buttons, but i think the name of that shop/label actually was a mitigating factor when it came to buying that dress. I liked it on the rack, I liked it on me, I liked the little label at the back that said "Destined Indulgence" which caused me to think "hmmm, why yes! this could well be that destined indulgence, which though i have not thought about prior to this moment, is indeed destined!". I liked it even more after I had already decided to buy it when the salesgirl said, "buy it lah, we got 50% discount on it." Even if I was the sucker born that very minute, I don't care, because I'm a very happy sucker who now owns a pwetty dress. alas, nowhere to go in it.

ok, i should really get started on my lab report and readings now.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:37 AM 1 comments

So nice

Someone to hold me tight
That would be very nice
Someone to love me right
That would be very nice
Someone to understand
Each little dream in me
Someone to take my hand
And be a team with me

So nice
Life would be so nice
If one day I find
Someone who would take my hand
And samba through life with me

Someone to cling to me
Stay with me right or wrong
Someone to sing to me
Some little samba song
Someone to take my heart
Then give his heart to me
Someone who's ready to
Give love a start with me

Oh yes, that would be so nice
Should it be you and me
I can see it would be nice

This past week, I've caught myself thinking, "It would be so nice to have one..." at least 5 times a day. To have and to hold, to go everywhere with me, to depend on, to travel through the world with.

Let's call this hypothetical someone Lex.


The LX 150 is looking sweet. I actually sing this song in my head whenever i see a scooter on the road. Very dangerous, this love, i was looking at this africa twin and a dirt bike as i was crossing the road (like how serendipitous, two of them at the same traffic light!), good thing the light was in my favour.

Wait for me, Lex, we'll be together some sweet day.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:06 PM 0 comments

i had two bad dreams today.

both of them jolted me awake, so i wasn't late for anything today. quite telling, shows to me what's really been on my mind. disturbing/disturbed.

but waking hours were happy.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:05 AM 0 comments

perhaps you might find this one easier to do. i did.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:33 PM 0 comments

Angels or Devils :: Dishwalla

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in
give it up and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold

I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

posted by beckyboo @ 1:38 AM 0 comments

i inspire fear! good to know that i'm in the same league as madam lau and flying cockroaches. and not to mention "crapping in my pants". woohoo!

i wonder what else people think i am...

Let's find out!

Arena (known to self and others)	Blind Spot (known only to others) calm, caring, cheerful, dependable, friendly, helpful, intelligent, kind, knowledgable, mature, quiet, reflective, religious
Façade (known only to self) independent, introverted, self-conscious, sentimental, silly	Unknown (known to nobody) able, accepting, adaptable, bold, brave, clever, complex, confident, dignified, energetic, extroverted, giving, happy, idealistic, ingenious, logical, loving, modest, nervous, observant, organised, patient, powerful, proud, relaxed, responsive, searching, self-assertive, sensible, shy, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty

Dominant Traits

66% of people think that Rebecca Tan is caring
66% of people think that Rebecca Tan is helpful
100% of people think that Rebecca Tan is quiet

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (0%) adaptable (0%) bold (0%) brave (0%) calm (33%) caring (66%) cheerful (33%) clever (0%) complex (0%) confident (0%) dependable (33%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (33%) giving (0%) happy (0%) helpful (66%) idealistic (0%) independent (0%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (33%) introverted (0%) kind (33%) knowledgable (33%) logical (0%) loving (0%) mature (33%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (0%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (100%) reflective (33%) relaxed (0%) religious (33%) responsive (0%) searching (0%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (0%) warm (0%) wise (0%) witty (0%)

posted by beckyboo @ 12:41 AM 0 comments

on Love and Jewellery

on the 151 from NUS to coronation plaza, tvmobile showed no less than 20 citigem ads. this is no exaggeration, i counted properly. too much, i think there is a limit to the number of times you can watch joanne peh pout and fiona xie act cute. and while i was trying to read the papers today, goldheart and lee hwa clamoured for front-page attention.

giant chocolate fondue machines and posters selling roses and magazines with special feb love issues aside, its pretty normal. other than my dream just now about this really huge fondue fountain, a la charlie and the chocolate factory, in a green meadow of edible grass and flowers and chocolate bunnies.

no no, this is not one of those "lonely, i am so lonely" blogs, or "down with commercialism!" , "romance is dead!" rants. Although it is rather sad that love has been reduced to diamonds. And so in your face this year, no attempts made to be subtle.

I realised that i don't know how to spell it: jewellery or jewelry? both look weird to me. Speaking of weird-looking, most of the stuff being advertised doesnt even look very nice. Especially the multi-coloured pieces, can anyone say "TACKY"?

this reminds me of the time me and riz drew "diamond rings" on our lab gloves and each declared herself to have a richer husband. heh. the things you do while waiting for your agarose gel to run =)

anyway, i just wanted to comment on the citigem ads. The actress modelling the jewellery had this plastic look on her face (think jessica alba selling tiger beer), a daft smile while gazing at herself in the mirror. eeek, feminism alarm bells went ringing. c'mon girls, we are better than that. do you honestly confuse love with little shiny rocks?

I love been thinking about love, and the people who love me. My maternal grandma has been hospitalised for kidney failure, she went in the day after my last big fight with my mother. When i went to visit her yesterday, the dominant feeling i left with, was a strong sense of being loved. When i walked in with my mum, she shooed my cousins away and got me to sit next to her. She hugged me, leaned on me and stroked my hair. Now i'm someone very unused to physical affection, i grew up never being hugged by my own parents. I have some issues with that, but that's for another time. and yet it was ok with my ah mah, i knew she loved me, and that was how she showed it, and that's how i understood it.

everyone tells me, and i sort of know, that my mum does love me. I half don't believe it, and i wish she would show it, if she did, in a way that i understood.

this reminds me of the coffee-break conversation i had with cheryl yesterday, after dr parwarni's lecture on boids. she said "i don't like people to touch me", but quickly checked herself with a "that seems weird to say but...". no need to explain, i understand too. everyone has a sense of physical boundaries, which if you step into, are invading their personal space. i remember commenting that those rules fail to apply in shuttle bus squeezing mechanics though. but personally, i need a lot of space. but then again, it really depends.

i love my ah mah, in a simple, child-like way. we can't really communicate, i don't understand or speak hokkien, but there's a wordless love for the one who looked after me when i was young and without words, and cares for me in a way that needs no words.

in fact, words definetly get in the way. angry words, obfuscating words, self-deceptive words, superficial words.

to conclude with jewellery, my ah mah insists on buying me a chain or something for my 21st birthday. love and jewellery may have something to do with one another after all.

posted by beckyboo @ 4:52 PM 3 comments

Slide

Staring up at into the clouds and watching the drift, it felt good to be alive, in spite of everything else. The dull ache miserable gently lifted halfway through the play, which i knew i was directing. I wonder how I became so influential, but shrug it off.

Gradually it dawned on me: I felt beautiful. It was the unfamiliarity that tipped me off. I had no idea how long it would last, but I was determined not to care.

"What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful," googoodolls.

I thought about the many people who loved me so much, who would rally around me in my need; and about how much i loved them. I walked taller, took my eyes off the ground and turned them heavenward, in silent contented gratitude.

I felt beautiful: every turn or step breathed grace. Smile came easily and naturally, the birds sang, and the sun shone for me and not on me.

I wish i knew how to sing this.

Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,
And blameless when You judge.

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

posted by beckyboo @ 6:13 PM 0 comments

Vår fader, du som är i himlen.
Låt ditt namn bli helgat.
Låt ditt rike komma.
Låt din vilja ske,
på jorden så som i himlen.
Ge oss i dag vårt bröd för dagen som kommer.
Och förlåt oss våra skulder,
liksom vi har förlåtit dem som står i skuld till oss.
Och utsätt oss inte för prövning,
utan rädda oss från det onda.

posted by beckyboo @ 2:30 AM 0 comments